A man suspects his wife isn't true to him, so one day he comes home especially early, and tiptoes up the stairs to their apartment to check on her. As he inserts his key into the door, he hears a commotion inside the apartment and when he finally gets the door open, his wife is standing in the living room in a flimsy negligee, looking nervous.
Enraged, he storms around the room, looking for her lover behind the curtains and in the closet, becoming angrier and angrier. Finally, in his frustration and fury, he lifts the icebox over his head and throws it out the window. The exertion is too much for him and he falls dead on the spot.
The scene changes to heaven, where St. Peter is greeting new arrivals. Three men appear and St. Peter asks each of them to relate how he got there. Our hero speaks first, explaining how he was CERTAIN his wife had a lover, but when he couldn't find him, he threw the icebox out the window. "I guess the exertion must have given me a heart attack."
The second guy said, "Well, now I guess I know what happened to me. I live two stories down from that guy and I was sitting on the fire escape to try to get cool - obviously the icebox must have hit me and killed me instantly."
St Peter turns to the third guy and asks him how he died. He says, "I don't know....I was just sitting in this icebox minding my own business....."
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Indian
A traveling salesman is working the territory in Fargo, North Dakota - it's a hot, dry day and he's not had much luck, so he stops into a bar for a light lunch and a tall beer.
He sits down at the bar next to an Indian, and they get to talking and eventually buying each other drinks.
The Indian says - "Hey, I've got an idea. I'll tell you a riddle - if you guess it, I'll give you $50. But if you can't guess it, you give me $50." They salesman says, "You're on."
"OK. My mother had a baby. Wasn't any of my sisters and wasn't any of my brothers. Who was it?"
The salesman thinks, scratches his head, and finally says "I give up."
The Indian says, "Ha! It was me! You owe me fifty dollars."
The salesman thinks that's pretty good and he pays the Indian.
A couple weeks later, the salesman is back in his home base of Iowa City and he decides to cool off by hitting one of the bars. He gets to talking and sharing drinks with a friend. After a while, he has a bright idea and says to his friend, "Hey, I have an idea. I'll tell you a riddle and if you guess it, I'll give you fifty dollars. If you can't guess it, you give me fifty dollars."
His friend says, "OK, shoot."
The salesman says "My mother had a baby. It wasn't any of my brothers and it wasn't any of my sisters . Who was it?"
His friend thinks...and thinks. And leans this way and that, and finally says, "OK I guess I owe you fifty dollars - who was it?"
And the salesman says, "Ha! Some old Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"
He sits down at the bar next to an Indian, and they get to talking and eventually buying each other drinks.
The Indian says - "Hey, I've got an idea. I'll tell you a riddle - if you guess it, I'll give you $50. But if you can't guess it, you give me $50." They salesman says, "You're on."
"OK. My mother had a baby. Wasn't any of my sisters and wasn't any of my brothers. Who was it?"
The salesman thinks, scratches his head, and finally says "I give up."
The Indian says, "Ha! It was me! You owe me fifty dollars."
The salesman thinks that's pretty good and he pays the Indian.
A couple weeks later, the salesman is back in his home base of Iowa City and he decides to cool off by hitting one of the bars. He gets to talking and sharing drinks with a friend. After a while, he has a bright idea and says to his friend, "Hey, I have an idea. I'll tell you a riddle and if you guess it, I'll give you fifty dollars. If you can't guess it, you give me fifty dollars."
His friend says, "OK, shoot."
The salesman says "My mother had a baby. It wasn't any of my brothers and it wasn't any of my sisters . Who was it?"
His friend thinks...and thinks. And leans this way and that, and finally says, "OK I guess I owe you fifty dollars - who was it?"
And the salesman says, "Ha! Some old Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Strange Disfiguration - "mature"
Joe is sitting at a bar and notices that the man on the stool next to him has an exceptionally tiny and shriveled-looking head. Although he knows it's rude, Joe can't stop staring - each time he turns away, he finds himself turning back to sneak a peak. After a few more drinks, Joe decides, what the hell, and as politely as he can asks, "Sorry to bother you, but I can't help but notice the unusual size of your head. Were you born like that, or...?"
"Oh no!" the man responds, "It's actually a crazy story. During the war my vessel crashed on the shores of a remote island, and I was the only survivor. For three days I had no water or food, and I was afraid I would die. On the morning of the fourth day a beautiful mermaid swam up to the shore. She said she pitied my condition and offered to grant me three wishes. First, of course, I wished to get off the island. 'Done,' she said, 'Another ship in your fleet is on its way. You'll be rescued by tonight.' Second, I wished for water and something to eat. No sooner had I asked than it was in front of me, and I greedily ate and drank. 'What is your final wish?' the mermaid asked. Well, you have to understand, the war had been on for a while by then and it had been over a year since I'd been with a woman. So, I asked her to sleep with me. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'we mermaids can't mate with humans because we are fish from the waist down.' 'Okay then,' I said, 'how about a little head?'"
"Oh no!" the man responds, "It's actually a crazy story. During the war my vessel crashed on the shores of a remote island, and I was the only survivor. For three days I had no water or food, and I was afraid I would die. On the morning of the fourth day a beautiful mermaid swam up to the shore. She said she pitied my condition and offered to grant me three wishes. First, of course, I wished to get off the island. 'Done,' she said, 'Another ship in your fleet is on its way. You'll be rescued by tonight.' Second, I wished for water and something to eat. No sooner had I asked than it was in front of me, and I greedily ate and drank. 'What is your final wish?' the mermaid asked. Well, you have to understand, the war had been on for a while by then and it had been over a year since I'd been with a woman. So, I asked her to sleep with me. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'we mermaids can't mate with humans because we are fish from the waist down.' 'Okay then,' I said, 'how about a little head?'"
Old Man's Garden
An old man lived alone on a farm. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Pop,
Vinnie
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over... I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden!! That’s where the bodies are buried!
Love,
Vinnie
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,Vinnie
Nursing Home
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main hallway and went to talk with the administrators.
Once his son was out of sight, the old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. Just then, a doctor came by and said, "Let me help you," and piled a couple pillows on the left side of the old man so that he could stay upright.
After the doctor walked away, the old man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right-hand side.
Moments later, the old man started to lean forward, but a nurse came by and piled a few more pillows in front of him.
About this time, the son returned and asked, "Well, dad, isn't this a nice place?" The old man replied, "I guess it's okay, but they won't let me fart."
Once his son was out of sight, the old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. Just then, a doctor came by and said, "Let me help you," and piled a couple pillows on the left side of the old man so that he could stay upright.
After the doctor walked away, the old man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right-hand side.
Moments later, the old man started to lean forward, but a nurse came by and piled a few more pillows in front of him.
About this time, the son returned and asked, "Well, dad, isn't this a nice place?" The old man replied, "I guess it's okay, but they won't let me fart."
Three Psychiatrists
Attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They all agree that this is a good idea, so the first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over-bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have an opioid problem that's out of control, and I whenever I receive sample prescriptions from pharmaceutical companies, I use them up myself."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
They all agree that this is a good idea, so the first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over-bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have an opioid problem that's out of control, and I whenever I receive sample prescriptions from pharmaceutical companies, I use them up myself."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
Private Jones
A telegram with news for Private Jones arrives at Battalion headquarters and the Lieutenant gives it to the Sergeant to relay the news.
The Sergent assembles the company and then says "Jones, step forward."
"Jones, your father died. Fall in." "Company dismissed."
The Lieutenant's jaw drops and he immediately calls the Sargent into his office, saying "Sergent, I can't believe how you handled that! Think what terrible and shocking news that was for Jones - you just blasted him like that with no warning - that was crushing. Great Scott, man - you need to show some compassion!"
"Sargent says "Wow, you're right Lieutenant - I'm sorry. I just didn't think of it that way at all."
Tragically, two months later, a telegram arrives saying that Jones' mother has died.
The Lieutenant says, "Sarge, this is a terrible, terrible thing - but at least it gives you a chance to break it to Jones in a slower and gentler way."
The Sergent says, "Yeah, you're right, Lieutenant - thanks."
So Sergent assembles the company, and then says "All those men with one living parent, step forward....NOT SO FAST, Jones!"
The Sergent assembles the company and then says "Jones, step forward."
"Jones, your father died. Fall in." "Company dismissed."
The Lieutenant's jaw drops and he immediately calls the Sargent into his office, saying "Sergent, I can't believe how you handled that! Think what terrible and shocking news that was for Jones - you just blasted him like that with no warning - that was crushing. Great Scott, man - you need to show some compassion!"
"Sargent says "Wow, you're right Lieutenant - I'm sorry. I just didn't think of it that way at all."
Tragically, two months later, a telegram arrives saying that Jones' mother has died.
The Lieutenant says, "Sarge, this is a terrible, terrible thing - but at least it gives you a chance to break it to Jones in a slower and gentler way."
The Sergent says, "Yeah, you're right, Lieutenant - thanks."
So Sergent assembles the company, and then says "All those men with one living parent, step forward....NOT SO FAST, Jones!"
Jaws
Why did the Russians like the movie 'Jaws'?
Because it was очень хорошо!
[Funny because it's pronounced similarly to "ocean horror show" - haha! - and literally means "very good"]
Because it was очень хорошо!
[Funny because it's pronounced similarly to "ocean horror show" - haha! - and literally means "very good"]
Aleph Null
Aleph null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph null bottles of beer,
Take one down, pass it around,
Aleph null bottles of beer on the wall.
- HAHA. Thanks Dad!
Aleph null bottles of beer,
Take one down, pass it around,
Aleph null bottles of beer on the wall.
- HAHA. Thanks Dad!
I love profession jokes
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a outdoor cafe, talking with each other and people watching.
They see two people walking along, who then go into a house just across the street. Time passes. After awhile they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist says " No! They have reproduced".
And the mathematician says, "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
They see two people walking along, who then go into a house just across the street. Time passes. After awhile they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist says " No! They have reproduced".
And the mathematician says, "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
Firemen
Three friends, a priest, a physician and an engineer, play golf together every week. One week, they're playing and the threesome in front of them is driving them crazy - the guys are taking forever, hitting their shots all over the course and dawdling - and they won't wave our friends through.
The guys are getting really frustrated and then the priest sees the course manager, and shouts "Hey, Carlo, can you come here a second?"
"Carlo, these guys in front of us are infuriating - they're taking forever on each hole, hitting their balls all over the place, and they won't wave us through!"
Carlo says, "Oh, don't you know those guys? They're the three firemen who fought that fire in our clubhouse about three years ago. They were all blinded in the fire and now we always let them play for free."
The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible! I have an idea - This Sunday, I'm going to have my parish say a special Mass for them".
And the physician says "That's a great idea. And I have a friend who's a top-notch retinal surgeon - I'll have him give them a special consult to see if there's anything he can do for the."
And the engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
The guys are getting really frustrated and then the priest sees the course manager, and shouts "Hey, Carlo, can you come here a second?"
"Carlo, these guys in front of us are infuriating - they're taking forever on each hole, hitting their balls all over the place, and they won't wave us through!"
Carlo says, "Oh, don't you know those guys? They're the three firemen who fought that fire in our clubhouse about three years ago. They were all blinded in the fire and now we always let them play for free."
The priest says, "Oh, that's terrible! I have an idea - This Sunday, I'm going to have my parish say a special Mass for them".
And the physician says "That's a great idea. And I have a friend who's a top-notch retinal surgeon - I'll have him give them a special consult to see if there's anything he can do for the."
And the engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Redneck at Harvard
A redneck is visiting Harvard to do some research in Widener Library, but is having difficulty navigating the large campus. Seeing a student walking past, the redneck stops him, drawling: "Excuse me, do you know where Widener Library's at?" Very snootily, the student draws himself up and says, "I'm sorry, but at Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions." "Oh I'm sorry," the redneck responds, "Do you know where Widener Library's at, ASSH*LE?"
Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician Fence Builders
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: "I define myself to be on the outside."
- Shared with me by Dan, text lifted from http://www.onlinemathlearning.com/math-jokes.html
Mathematician and Biologist Firefighters
A mathematician and a biologist are hanging out in the faculty lounge when the radiator bursts into flames. The biologist runs over, grabs a bucket of water from the sink, and douses the fire, saving them both. However, the school fails to repair the radiator, and about a week later as the two are eating their lunch another fire breaks out. This time, the mathematician grabs a bucket of water, runs over, and hands it to the biologist, saying, "I have reduced this situation to a previously known problem."
- Thanks, Dan!
- Thanks, Dan!
How Many Narcissists...
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One - they stand still holding the bulb while the world revolves around them.
One - they stand still holding the bulb while the world revolves around them.
A Bet
There are these two guys in a bar on the 20th floor of a building. The first man says, "I bet you $100 I can jump out of that window and come straight back in." The second man thinks the guy's crazy but he needs the money, so he says, "Okay, sure," and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, and then jumps straight back in. Amazed but unhappy about losing the $100, the second man says: "Alright, I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again," so the barman again holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, and then jumps straight back in. Thinking there must be some trick to it and wanting to recoup his losses, the second man says, "Okay, I'll bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says, "Okay, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below, dying immediately. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man, "Geez, Superman, you're a mean drunk!"
What Do You Get...
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino! [Hell if I know!]
Elephino! [Hell if I know!]
Fred Oyster and Sam Clam
Fred Oyster and Sam Clam were the best of friends, and their lifelong dream was to open a disco together. This dream was never realized, however, because one day Sam was tragically killed in an automobile accident. Fred gave up on this dream, feeling it just wasn't right to do it without his pal.
However, a couple years after Sam passed away, Fred was visited by Sam's ghost. "Fred!" Sam's ghost said. "I have something I need to show you in heaven!" Delighted to finally be reunited with his friend, Fred agreed to take trip together. Arriving at the pearly gates, Sam said, "There are just two very important things you need to know: first, since you are a visitor here, you must carry this golden harp with you at all times or you won't be allowed to return to earth, and second, you must leave heaven before midnight." "No problem!" Fred said, and the two journeyed into heaven where Fred was astounded to see a brilliant neon "DISCO" sign. "Yep!" Sam said. "We finally did it, old pal!" The two friends danced the night away, laughing and enjoying each other's company.
Just before midnight, Fred glanced at the clock, wished his friend a hearty farewell, and promised to return to the disco when his time came. Then he ran to the pearly gates, but when an angel asked him for the golden harp, Fred smacked himself on the forehead and exclaimed, "Oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"
However, a couple years after Sam passed away, Fred was visited by Sam's ghost. "Fred!" Sam's ghost said. "I have something I need to show you in heaven!" Delighted to finally be reunited with his friend, Fred agreed to take trip together. Arriving at the pearly gates, Sam said, "There are just two very important things you need to know: first, since you are a visitor here, you must carry this golden harp with you at all times or you won't be allowed to return to earth, and second, you must leave heaven before midnight." "No problem!" Fred said, and the two journeyed into heaven where Fred was astounded to see a brilliant neon "DISCO" sign. "Yep!" Sam said. "We finally did it, old pal!" The two friends danced the night away, laughing and enjoying each other's company.
Just before midnight, Fred glanced at the clock, wished his friend a hearty farewell, and promised to return to the disco when his time came. Then he ran to the pearly gates, but when an angel asked him for the golden harp, Fred smacked himself on the forehead and exclaimed, "Oh, no! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"
No Bears Allowed - "mature"
A bear walks into a bar and tries to order a whisky, but before he can even open his mouth, the bartender points at the door and says, "Hey buddy, no bears allowed!" The bear is pretty p*ssed off, and he roars loudly before stomping out of the bar. A couple days later, though, the bear is really yearning for a beer so he tries again. This time he barely gets in the door before the bartender yells, "Hey, wha'd I tell ya? No bears allowed!" Furious, the bear smashes a bar stool, growls fiercely at the bartender, and huffily stomps out. Later that week the bear tries his luck again, but the bartender gets out a baseball bat and barks, "Alright, wise guy - how many times do I have to tell you? NO BEARS ALLOWED! Now get out!" Overcome with rage, the bear lunges at a woman seated at the bar, and gobbles her up before walking out! This time, though, the bear assumes his intimidation tactics have worked, so the very next day he strolls in nonchalantly. To his surprise, however, the bartender says, "Hey - no drug addicts allowed." "Drug addicts?" the bear repeats in confusion. "Yeah -" says the bartender, "That was a barbituate."
Jumpa froggy, jumpa!
A scientist was conducting a study on frog behavior and sat his test subject on a table in front of him. "Jumpa froggy, jumpa!" the scientist commanded, and the frog jumped to the end of the table. "Mmhmm," the scientist said, and wrote in his lab book, "Froggy witha four legga, ajumpa four feet." Then he cut off one of the frog's legs and said, "Jumpa froggy, jumpa!" This time the frog jumped a little less far, and the scientist wrote in his lab book, "Froggy witha three legga, ajumpa two feet." Then he cut off another of the frog's legs and said, "Jumpa froggy, jumpa!" The frog took a little while to move and jumped much less far, so the scientist recorded: "Froggy witha two legga, ajumpa six inches." Cutting off the frog's third leg, the scientist commanded, "Jumpa froggy, jumpa!" With only one leg the frog could scarcely jump, but he did tumble forward, and the scientist wrote down, "Froggy witha one legga, ajumpa one inch." Then he cut off the frog's last leg and said, "Jumpa froggy, jumpa!" - But the frog just sat there. A little louder, the scientist said, "JUMPA froggy, JUMPA!" But the frog didn't move. Quite loud, the scientist urged him, "JUMPA froggy! JUMPA!" but to no avail, and the scientist wrote in his lab book, "Froggy witha no legga, adeafa."
- A silly one from dad. :)
- A silly one from dad. :)
Greatcoats
Why don't women need greatcoats? - Who needs a greatcoat when you're standing in front of the samovar?
A strangely funny take on a typically offensive trope - thanks Anna and Elisabeth!
A strangely funny take on a typically offensive trope - thanks Anna and Elisabeth!
New Yorker Mathematician
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man. The man replied, "I'm a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof." "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card." "And?" said the judge. The little man replied, "And he asked 'Can you prove you are from New York City?' ...So I stabbed him."
- Thanks Dad!
- Thanks Dad!
Strange Disease - "mature"
Once there was a woman who began to feel very concerned because her husband was no longer interested in sleeping with her. She couldn't figure out why this was, and decided that maybe there was something physically wrong with her, so she went to see her doctor. After she explained her concerns, the doctor said, "Hokay, take off ah your crows." The woman was a little concerned when she got the doctor's meaning, but she thought, "Well, he's a professional," so she slowly undressed. "Now," the doctor said, "Preez, get down on ah fours, and crawl back and forth acloss the floor." This was even more concerning for the woman, but she really wanted to fix her love life, so she did as the doctor said. As she finished crawling back toward him, the doctor shook his head, frowned, and said, "Ohh, vely selious." Frightened, the woman said, "What, doctor? What is it?!" The doctor frowned again and said, "I'm vely solly - you have Ed Zachary Disease." The woman paled - "Ed Zachary Disease! What's that?!" "Well," the doctor replied, "Your head look Ed Zachary like your ass!"
Englishman, Frenchman, New Yorker
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker were on a sea voyage when a powerful storm came up and wrecked their boat. However, they weren't far from an island and were washed ashore unharmed. Unfortunately for the sailors, however, this island was inhabited by a savage tribe who found the men lying unconscious and dragged them into the center of the village. When the sailors came to, they found themselves bound, gagged, and tied to stakes around a large heap of firewood. Terrified, the Englishman managed to spit out his gag and called out, "What are you going to do to us?!" All together, the savages chanted, "We're going to cook you, and eat you, and use your skin for our canoes!" At this, the Frenchman fainted dead away. One of the savages came up, jostled the Frenchman awake, and removed the men's gags. "S'il vous plait!" The Frenchman begged - "Ne nous tuez pas! (Please! Don't kill us!)" But the savages were not to be persuaded. Again they chanted: "We're going to cook you, and eat you, and use your skin for our canoes!" Another savage held a lit torch a few inches away from the wood, and called out, "Any last words?" Proudly, the Englishman yelled, "Long live England!" Straightening up, the Frenchman likewise yelled, "Vive la France!" To everyone's surprise, the New Yorker whipped out a knife, began STABBING himself all over, and vindictively shouted, "F*CK YOUR CANOES!"
F*** it!
Two nuns and a priest were playing basketball, and the Father was playing really poorly, and getting very frustrated. As he missed another shot he yelled, "Oh, f*** it! I missed!" Shocked, one of the nuns exclaimed, "FATHER! Please! Watch your language so you don't offend G-d!" "Yeah, yeah," replied the priest, irritated. On his next shot, though, he missed yet again, and again yelled, "Oh, f*** it! I missed!" This time the nun was really concerned - "PLEASE, Father," she begged, "I am really worried for you - if you don't show a little more reverence, I am afraid G-d will punish you." The priest waved her off, and lined up to take another shot. Once again, though, the ball bounced off the hoop, and the priest screamed, "F*** it! I missed!" All of a sudden, a bolt of lightning came down and struck... the nun! And a booming voice from the heavens came, "Oh, f*** it! I missed!"
Ice Fishing Blonde
Once there was a blonde who decided that she was sick and tired of prejudice against blondes, and she thought to herself, "So I may not be the smartest person in the world, but if I focus on a single subject I can become an expert in that area and then people will see that blondes are intelligent afterall." At that moment the television happened to be showing a program on ice fishing, so she decided that she would become an ice fishing master. That very day the blonde went to her local library and checked out all the books on ice fishing and bookmarked all the websites she could find on the topic. For months she spent long hours researching, until she finally decided that she was ready to test her skills. The blonde went to the local sporting goods store and bought all the supplies she would need, and the next day she trekked out onto the ice. She set up her tent, knelt on the ice, and began to saw a hole for her pole, when a booming voice from above insisted: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde was a little perturbed, but she hadn't spent the last 8 months for nothing, so she persisted in sawing. The voice boomed again: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Slightly daunted, the blonde paused before sawing again. A third time the voice rang out: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" "Is that you, G-d?" the blonde asked, trembling. "NO!" the voice shouted back. "This is the manager of the ice skating rink; I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
English Bobby
An English bobby gets off work early one day and arrives home to find unfamiliar shoes next to the door and his wife's dress on the kitchen floor. Deeply suspicious, he walks back to the bedroom, and lo and behold - his wife is in bed with three men! The bobby exclaims, "'Ello 'ello 'ello!" And his wife pipes up indignantly: "Hey! What about me?!"
Dyslexic Agnostic Insomniac
What does the dyslexic agnostic insomniac lie awake at night wondering about? - "Is there a dog?"
Unhappy Actuary
An actuary felt dissatisfied with his job, so he decided he wanted to be an accountant, but he didn't have the personality for it.
- Thanks mom!
- Thanks mom!
Extroverted Actuary
How can you tell an extroverted actuary?
He stares at YOUR shoes when he's talking to you.
-Thanks mom!
He stares at YOUR shoes when he's talking to you.
-Thanks mom!
A Blonde was Driving along a Country Road...
A blonde named Jeanie was driving along a country road when she caught sight of another blonde in the middle of a wheat field. As Jeanie slowed her car to investigate, she realized that the girl was seated in a rowboat making rowing motions. "What are you doing?" Jeanie called out. "I'm rowing in a sea of wheat!" the girl yelled back cheerfully. "You know what?" Jeanie shouted, enraged, "It's blondes like you that give us blondes a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Voodoo Pen*s - A "mature" (well, immature) joke
A man is going out of town and is really worried that his wife will be unfaithful while he's gone. He finally decides that the best way to prevent her from straying is to buy her a s*x toy. He goes to the nearest adult store and checks out every possible product, but can't find anything that he thinks will satisfy her. Finally in desperation he explains his situation to the old woman who owns the shop and pleads with her to help him. "Don't worry," the old woman replies, "I have just the thing. Follow me." The old woman takes the man into the back room of the shop and pulls a dusty wooden box off the shelf. "This is the voodoo pen*s," she says. "It's exactly what you need. Watch. Voodoo pen*s: wall!" And the voodoo pen*s jumps out of the box and starts hammering away at the wall. "Oh man, that's awesome!" the man exclaims. Then the old woman commands, "Voodoo pen*s: stop," and the voodoo pen*s jumps back into the box. "That is terrific!" the man shouts. "I'll take it!" When the man gets home he explains to his wife, "Wife, look what I've bought for you! If you you become aroused while I'm away, just say, 'voodoo pen*s' and wherever you want it to go. When you're finished, say--" and the man's cab pulls up and he drives away.
Well, a couple days after the man leaves, his wife becomes aroused and so she gets out the voodoo pen*s and says, "Voodoo pen*s: vag*na." After she finishes she says, "Okay, I'm done now," but the voodoo pen*s keeps hammering away. "Uh, please stop!" she says, but to no avail. She starts to become frantic and since she can't get the voodoo pen*s to cease for anything she finally decides she needs to get to a hospital. So, the woman jumps in her car but she's swerving all over the road and it's not long before a cop pulls her over. When he comes to the window she says, "OFFICER! I'm sorry! It's the voodoo pen*s!" and the cop snorts, "Voodoo pen*s MY ASS!"
- Thanks Jake!
Well, a couple days after the man leaves, his wife becomes aroused and so she gets out the voodoo pen*s and says, "Voodoo pen*s: vag*na." After she finishes she says, "Okay, I'm done now," but the voodoo pen*s keeps hammering away. "Uh, please stop!" she says, but to no avail. She starts to become frantic and since she can't get the voodoo pen*s to cease for anything she finally decides she needs to get to a hospital. So, the woman jumps in her car but she's swerving all over the road and it's not long before a cop pulls her over. When he comes to the window she says, "OFFICER! I'm sorry! It's the voodoo pen*s!" and the cop snorts, "Voodoo pen*s MY ASS!"
- Thanks Jake!
Monday, June 27, 2011
A Clown and a Child...
A clown and a child walk into a dark and forbidding forest. "I'm scared!" said the child. "Huh! You're scared! I have to walk out of here alone!" replied the clown.
- From the Cincinnati Shakespeare Company's production of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)
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