Moish Abramowitz

A guy is walking around the Lower East Side and he sees a shop with the sign "Moish Abramowitz Chinese Laundry". This is so crazy, he has to check it out. So he walks in, sees a Chinese guy behind the counter and says

"Hi - can I talk to the owner?"

"I'm the owner" the man replies.

"YOU'RE the owner? What's your name?"

"Moish Abramowitz"

"Pardon me for asking, but how did a guy like you get a name like that?"

"Well, you know, I don't really understand it myself, but it happened like this: When I first immigrated to this country, I came in through Ellis Island. There was a long line of us, and when I got up close to the immigration agent, the guy in front of me was named Moish Abramowitz. Then, when he was done, I stepped up and the agent asked me my name, and I said "Sam Ting"."

Another math joke...

There are 10 types of people ... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Incognito Vacation

Two priests decide to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They're determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy, so as soon as the plane lands, they head for a store and buy some really outrageous shirts, shorts, sandals, and sunglasses.

The next morning, they go to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They're sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery, when a drop dead, gorgeous, topless blonde in a thong bikini comes walking straight towards them. They can't help but stare.

As the blonde gets closer, she smiles and says, "Good morning, Father…Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them as she passes by.

They're both stunned! "How in the world did she know we're priests?"

So, the next day, they go back to the store and buy even more outrageous outfits - outfits that are so loud you can HEAR them before you even see them.

Once again, the two incognito priests head for the beach and settle into their beach chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, comes walking toward them. And again, she nods to each of them, saying "Good morning, Father," and starts to walk away.

But one of the priests can't stand it any longer and says, "Just a minute, young lady..."

"Yes?"

"We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know...How in the world did you KNOW we're priests, when we're dressed like this?"

"Father," she says, "it's ME, Sister Mary Francis!"

Cowboy

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

And he said, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch - herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences - so I guess I am."

After a while, he asked her what she was and she said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. When I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I eat, or shower, or watch TV, all the time, I'm thinking about women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Elephants

100 elephants walk into a bar, and the 99th elephant says to the 100th elephant, "Man, this is a big bar."


Thanks Jake!!

Logic

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The Dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater!" Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

Icebox

A man suspects his wife isn't true to him, so one day he comes home especially early, and tiptoes up the stairs to their apartment to check on her. As he inserts his key into the door, he hears a commotion inside the apartment and when he finally gets the door open, his wife is standing in the living room in a flimsy negligee, looking nervous.

Enraged, he storms around the room, looking for her lover behind the curtains and in the closet, becoming angrier and angrier. Finally, in his frustration and fury, he lifts the icebox over his head and throws it out the window. The exertion is too much for him and he falls dead on the spot.

The scene changes to heaven, where St. Peter is greeting new arrivals. Three men appear and St. Peter asks each of them to relate how he got there. Our hero speaks first, explaining how he was CERTAIN his wife had a lover, but when he couldn't find him, he threw the icebox out the window. "I guess the exertion must have given me a heart attack."

The second guy said, "Well, now I guess I know what happened to me. I live two stories down from that guy and I was sitting on the fire escape to try to get cool - obviously the icebox must have hit me and killed me instantly."

St Peter turns to the third guy and asks him how he died. He says, "I don't know....I was just sitting in this icebox minding my own business....."

Indian

A traveling salesman is working the territory in Fargo, North Dakota - it's a hot, dry day and he's not had much luck, so he stops into a bar for a light lunch and a tall beer.

He sits down at the bar next to an Indian, and they get to talking and eventually buying each other drinks.

The Indian says - "Hey, I've got an idea. I'll tell you a riddle - if you guess it, I'll give you $50. But if you can't guess it, you give me $50." They salesman says, "You're on."

"OK. My mother had a baby. Wasn't any of my sisters and wasn't any of my brothers. Who was it?"

The salesman thinks, scratches his head, and finally says "I give up."

The Indian says, "Ha! It was me! You owe me fifty dollars."

The salesman thinks that's pretty good and he pays the Indian.

A couple weeks later, the salesman is back in his home base of Iowa City and he decides to cool off by hitting one of the bars. He gets to talking and sharing drinks with a friend. After a while, he has a bright idea and says to his friend, "Hey, I have an idea. I'll tell you a riddle and if you guess it, I'll give you fifty dollars. If you can't guess it, you give me fifty dollars."

His friend says, "OK, shoot."

The salesman says "My mother had a baby. It wasn't any of my brothers and it wasn't any of my sisters . Who was it?"

His friend thinks...and thinks. And leans this way and that, and finally says, "OK I guess I owe you fifty dollars - who was it?"

And the salesman says, "Ha! Some old Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

Strange Disfiguration - "mature"

Joe is sitting at a bar and notices that the man on the stool next to him has an exceptionally tiny and shriveled-looking head. Although he knows it's rude, Joe can't stop staring - each time he turns away, he finds himself turning back to sneak a peak. After a few more drinks, Joe decides, what the hell, and as politely as he can asks, "Sorry to bother you, but I can't help but notice the unusual size of your head. Were you born like that, or...?"

"Oh no!" the man responds, "It's actually a crazy story. During the war my vessel crashed on the shores of a remote island, and I was the only survivor. For three days I had no water or food, and I was afraid I would die. On the morning of the fourth day a beautiful mermaid swam up to the shore. She said she pitied my condition and offered to grant me three wishes. First, of course, I wished to get off the island. 'Done,' she said, 'Another ship in your fleet is on its way. You'll be rescued by tonight.' Second, I wished for water and something to eat. No sooner had I asked than it was in front of me, and I greedily ate and drank. 'What is your final wish?' the mermaid asked. Well, you have to understand, the war had been on for a while by then and it had been over a year since I'd been with a woman. So, I asked her to sleep with me. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'we mermaids can't mate with humans because we are fish from the waist down.' 'Okay then,' I said, 'how about a little head?'"

Old Man's Garden

An old man lived alone on a farm. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over... I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden!! That’s where the bodies are buried!

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and tore up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Vinnie