Three morals

A farmer from the old country is out plowing his field on a cold day in early spring.  As he's leading his team of oxen, he sees an injured bird on the ground and stops to see if he can help - but he soon realizes that the bird is beyond saving.  Just then, one of his oxen lets go with a steaming pile of shit. Taking pity on the bird, the farmer picks him up and nestles him in the shit, so that the bird can at least be warm and comforted during his last few minutes of life.  Then the farmer resignedly takes up the reins again and moves on down the field.

As the warmth spreads through the suffering bird's body, he feels better and begins to warble.  Just then, a passing fox hears the bird's song and trots over to investigate.  He finds the bird, lifts him from the shit and quickly gulps him down.

There are three morals to this story.  He who puts you into shit is not necessarily your enemy.  He who takes you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.  And, when you're up to your neck in shit, don't sing!

Three Engineers Contemplate God

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a chemical engineer are discussing God.

The electrical engineer says, "Look at the human body - all of the electrical impulses. It's obvious God is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer says, "No, no - think about all of the muscles, tendons, and sinews - God is clearly a mechanical engineer."

The chemical engineer snorts and says, "Yeah right, God is definitely a civil engineer - who else would put a sewer through a playground?!"

[Thanks, Aunt Karen!]

What's the difference... [mature]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face!

[Thanks Mark!]

Banana

This is a joke that Henry likes to tell.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Banana dunks his head into a bowl of cereal.

Moish Abramowitz

A guy is walking around the Lower East Side and he sees a shop with the sign "Moish Abramowitz Chinese Laundry". This is so crazy, he has to check it out. So he walks in, sees a Chinese guy behind the counter and says

"Hi - can I talk to the owner?"

"I'm the owner" the man replies.

"YOU'RE the owner? What's your name?"

"Moish Abramowitz"

"Pardon me for asking, but how did a guy like you get a name like that?"

"Well, you know, I don't really understand it myself, but it happened like this: When I first immigrated to this country, I came in through Ellis Island. There was a long line of us, and when I got up close to the immigration agent, the guy in front of me was named Moish Abramowitz. Then, when he was done, I stepped up and the agent asked me my name, and I said "Sam Ting"."

Another math joke...

There are 10 types of people ... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Incognito Vacation

Two priests decide to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They're determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy, so as soon as the plane lands, they head for a store and buy some really outrageous shirts, shorts, sandals, and sunglasses.

The next morning, they go to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They're sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery, when a drop dead, gorgeous, topless blonde in a thong bikini comes walking straight towards them. They can't help but stare.

As the blonde gets closer, she smiles and says, "Good morning, Father…Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them as she passes by.

They're both stunned! "How in the world did she know we're priests?"

So, the next day, they go back to the store and buy even more outrageous outfits - outfits that are so loud you can HEAR them before you even see them.

Once again, the two incognito priests head for the beach and settle into their beach chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her sweet time, comes walking toward them. And again, she nods to each of them, saying "Good morning, Father," and starts to walk away.

But one of the priests can't stand it any longer and says, "Just a minute, young lady..."

"Yes?"

"We ARE priests, and proud of it, but I have to know...How in the world did you KNOW we're priests, when we're dressed like this?"

"Father," she says, "it's ME, Sister Mary Francis!"

Cowboy

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

And he said, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch - herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences - so I guess I am."

After a while, he asked her what she was and she said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. When I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I eat, or shower, or watch TV, all the time, I'm thinking about women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Elephants

100 elephants walk into a bar, and the 99th elephant says to the 100th elephant, "Man, this is a big bar."


Thanks Jake!!

Logic

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The Dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed-eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife." "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater!" Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."