Bar Joke

 A priest, a rabbit, and a monk walk into a bar and the rabbit says "I think I'm a typo".

Exam Preparation

Every year, a distinguished professor of history gives a course on 20th century world history.  The students’ grades are determined almost entirely by their score on the end-of-semester exam and his students do extremely well on this exam.  

 

But one day, a fellow professor in his department takes him aside and says, “Bill, you know how, in your 20^thcentury world history course, you always give the same final exam, asking them to write an essay on  ”The factors that led up to the Boer War and its effects on world history”?

 

That’s right”, says Bill.  “The students learn that material quite well.”

 

“Yes, but Bill, you always give the same exam!  The students hear that from previous students, and so that’s all they ever study – of course they do well!”

 

“Oh!” says the shocked Bill – “Thanks!  I didn’t really realize that they talk to each other like that.  I better do something about that.”

 

Well, imagine the consternation at the end of the term when the when the students file into the exam room and Professor Bill hands out Exam Books that ask them to “Discuss the events leading up to the formation of the United Nations and its influence on the Superpowers”.

 

Everyone stares at their exam papers for a couple minutes in stunned silence.  Then one student picks up his pen and starts writing furiously, while the rest spend the remaining hour staring at him in amazement.  

 

Eventually everyone passes in their answer sheets – 41 of which have only a name and question at the top and just one that is filled with writing!

 

The students all leave the room and immediately accost the one student who wrote a lengthy answer, demanding to know what he had been writing!

 

“Well”, says the student, I wrote “I don’t know much about the formation of the United Nations, but let me tell you what I learned about the Boer War….”

Competitive brothers

Two brothers were so competitive that they grew to hate each other. Once they left home, they avoided each other completely, but each grew to become famous in his own field, one becoming a bishop and the other an admiral. Many years later, they happened to meet by chance on a railway platform, both dressed in the uniformed regalia of their ranks. The bishop went coolly up to his admiral brother and said 'Ah! Stationmaster, when does the next train for Brighton leave?' The brother replied. 'In ten minutes, but do you think it is wise to travel in your condition, madam?'

The lost gravy ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Julie was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.

She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Julie than met the eye.

Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Julie and I are strictly roommates."

A few days later, Julie went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she could have taken it, do you?"

"That seems pretty unlikely, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:

"Dear Mom,

While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.

Love, Your son."

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:

"Dear John, 
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.

Love, Mom."

Three morals

A farmer from the old country is out plowing his field on a cold day in early spring.  As he's leading his team of oxen, he sees an injured bird on the ground and stops to see if he can help - but he soon realizes that the bird is beyond saving.  Just then, one of his oxen lets go with a steaming pile of shit. Taking pity on the bird, the farmer picks him up and nestles him in the shit, so that the bird can at least be warm and comforted during his last few minutes of life.  Then the farmer resignedly takes up the reins again and moves on down the field.

As the warmth spreads through the suffering bird's body, he feels better and begins to warble.  Just then, a passing fox hears the bird's song and trots over to investigate.  He finds the bird, lifts him from the shit and quickly gulps him down.

There are three morals to this story.  He who puts you into shit is not necessarily your enemy.  He who takes you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.  And, when you're up to your neck in shit, don't sing!

Three Engineers Contemplate God

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a chemical engineer are discussing God.

The electrical engineer says, "Look at the human body - all of the electrical impulses. It's obvious God is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer says, "No, no - think about all of the muscles, tendons, and sinews - God is clearly a mechanical engineer."

The chemical engineer snorts and says, "Yeah right, God is definitely a civil engineer - who else would put a sewer through a playground?!"

[Thanks, Aunt Karen!]

What's the difference... [mature]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face!

[Thanks Mark!]

Banana

This is a joke that Henry likes to tell.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Banana dunks his head into a bowl of cereal.

Moish Abramowitz

A guy is walking around the Lower East Side and he sees a shop with the sign "Moish Abramowitz Chinese Laundry". This is so crazy, he has to check it out. So he walks in, sees a Chinese guy behind the counter and says

"Hi - can I talk to the owner?"

"I'm the owner" the man replies.

"YOU'RE the owner? What's your name?"

"Moish Abramowitz"

"Pardon me for asking, but how did a guy like you get a name like that?"

"Well, you know, I don't really understand it myself, but it happened like this: When I first immigrated to this country, I came in through Ellis Island. There was a long line of us, and when I got up close to the immigration agent, the guy in front of me was named Moish Abramowitz. Then, when he was done, I stepped up and the agent asked me my name, and I said "Sam Ting"."

Another math joke...

There are 10 types of people ... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.